Danke Schoen
Danke schoen
My airline, danke schoen
Thank you for all the travel pain
Picture shows on IFE, EUA for me
First row seat, cookie treat, pretty neat!
Danke schoen
My airline, danke schoen
Thank you for Newark delays in rain
Upgrades to first make my heart burst
Sleeping FAs, Ground delays, holidays are the worst
Danke schoen
My airline, danke schoen
On ExpressJet or flying main
line I knew what I had to do
If a pax from Y got in line by my side to use the loo
Danke schoen
My airline, danke schoen
Thank you for flying me again
Though it may be one of the last times
Still I'll try to check in on line
One last time
Danke schoen, auf weidersehn, danke schoen
Apologies to Wayne Newton
Chances Are
Chances are because the flight attendant
Addresses me by my name
Chances are I'm in the front of a CO plane
Just because I get a little smile
When my drink is brought to my seat
Chances are I may be Platinum Elite
In the middle of IFE at cruising altitude
Chances are the FA offers wine
With your meal (only when its meal time!)
I guess I feel CO could be
The only airline for me
If use my last name they would
Chances are their chances are awfully good
Apologies to Johnny Mathis
I Know a Baglady
I know a baglady who didn't buy Y.
I don't know why she didn't buy Y. Perhaps she'll fly.
I know a baglady who bought a cheaper fare.
It was less expensive to get in the air.
She bought a fare cheaper than a full Y.
I don't know why she didn't buy Y. Perhaps she'll fly.
I know a baglady who changed her mind.
While online, she changed her mind.
She changed her mind and bought a cheaper fare.
It was less expensive to get in the air.
She bought a fare cheaper than a full Y.
I don't know why she didn't buy Y. Perhaps she'll fly.
I know a baglady whose plans then changed.
She's not deranged, her plans just changed.
She changed her plans after she changed her mind.
She changed her mind and bought a cheaper fare.
It was less expensive to get in the air.
She bought a fare cheaper than a full Y.
I don't know why she didn't buy Y. Perhaps she'll fly.
I know a baglady who paid a change fee.
Plus a difference in fare, which of course wasn't free.
She paid a change fee because her plans had changed.
She changed her plans after she changed her mind.
She changed her mind and bought a cheaper fare.
It was less expensive to get in the air.
She bought a fare cheaper than a full Y.
I don't know why she didn't buy Y. Perhaps she'll fly.
Notes:
Danke Schoen was written to lament changes to Continental Airlines’ fee structure and OnePass frequent flyer program that made the airline, once one of the best in the industry for service, essentially the same as the other domestic carriers in the United States. As a result, many frequent flyers no longer see a reason to remain loyal to Continental.
Chances Are was written in response to a discussion on FlyerTalk’s Continental OnePass forum about how good it makes passengers feel when flight attendants address them by name when flying in the First Class cabin. Personal note: the author has never been addressed by name when flying in the First Class cabin on Continental Airlines.
I Know a Baglady was written in response to another frequent flyer’s lamentation that she bought a discounted coach ticket and ended up, after several itinerary changes, paying about twice as much in fees and fare changes than she would have if she had bought a full fare, refundable ticket in the first place.
Glossary
IFE = In flight entertainment; movies and music available to passengers on some flights
EUA = Elite upgrade automation; free upgrades to First Class for people who fly way too much
Newark = Newark, New Jersey airport; the East Coast hub airport for Continental Airlines
FA = flight attendant; formerly known as a steward, stewardess, or purser
Ground delay = delay caused by weather or the congestion of scheduling dozens of flights to take off at the same time despite restrictions that planes must take off 1-3 minutes apart
ExpressJet = regional carrier that does business in some markets as Continental Express
Pax = airline industry abbreviation for passenger or passengers
CO = aviation abbreviation for Continental Airlines
Platinum Elite = the top tier in Continental Airlines’ OnePass frequent flyer program. Reserved for people who fly way too much.
Baglady = handle for a frequent contributor to the FlyerTalk frequent flyer forum
Y = full fare, refundable coach ticket
Change fee = fee charged for changes to non-refundable tickets